What does that mean?

I am not going to start this blog entry (the first) as if it is The First Blog Entry of the Rest of My Life. Because, well, I have done that before and those blogs are now defunct. I am not sure if this one will have staying power, but I will start it and see where it goes.

As for the title, I have struggled with who I am recently. See, last July I moved back home after being gone for 5 years. I was born and raised here and even went to college right here in my hometown (keeping it generic because of all the crazies out there). I moved to Dallas, TX for an internship after college and from there moved to North Carolina for graduate school. Then I moved to Orlando, FL for my first big girl job. I was there for 2 years. I moved back to Hometown for several reasons. 1) I wasn't happy in Orlando, 2) I was in a job I didn't want to continue advancing in, even though I was good at it; and 3) the love of my life, J, who I met and starting dating in college, moved back to Hometown. That is another story for another blog entry. But a job I was qualified for opened in Hometown and I took the plunge and moved back.

I should mention that I am 28 & 11 months old, so the moving for boyfriend was kinda necessary if we have a future together. Oh, and we have been together for 7.5 years (minus a year and a half break). I am nearing 30 and want the marriage, kids and whole shebang. So far, all we have gotten is a dog, Sadie.

So moving back to Hometown wasn't a bad thing. I was looking forward to it, because I love Hometown and my alma mater. My parents and grandfather still live in Hometown. It is a great place. However, I struggled with a lot of issues growing up. The usual high school issues: fitting in, finding oneself, which were magnified by weight issues which ranged from anorexia to binge eating. Currently, I am over 200 lbs. and am trying to get into the losing mindset again. However, I feel that moving back to Hometown has caused many old insecurities to resurface. And seeing the people from high school, many of whom I haven't spoken to in 10 years isn't helping matters.

I don't know why, but I constantly feel like I still have to prove something to these people. I still want to be thin and pretty so they will approve of me. The problem is, I don't speak to these people anymore and never know when or where I am going to see them. I try to avoid public places when possible and when I do see someone from that chapter of my life, I want to shrink and hide. Unhealthy, no?

So as the title indicates, I am trying to rediscover the me that I was proud of. Because there hav been times in my life that I have been proud. I do like who I am and what I have accomplished. This journey isn't just about losing weight, but finding me.